Tuesday, November 17, 2015

// Life //

//via//

My oh my long time no talk. Life has been crazy and has taken over this semester and I have much to update on. 

First of all this blogging thing hasn't been going as planned (obvi). The few times that I have posted my posts have been mediocre and my posting is severely inconsistent. I actually went back and read a couple of my older posts and cringed at my lack of proofreading, like I'm not sure where my brain was when I decided to post that.

Anyways this semester had been crazy in more ways than one. First school, more specifically my major, has taken over. I am getting project after project with super fast turn around times. For example there are only 2 weeks left of school and I still have 3 projects left to do. On top of that I have to get an internship next summer in order to graduate, so I am currently in a pre-internship class that stresses me out to the max.

On top of all that God has been teaching me and challenging me in so many different ways this semester, I don't even know where to begin.

One of the major lessons God has been showing me is that I need relationships in my life. Which is really scary to me. The thought of always needing people is terrifying because I want to be self sufficient. The idea of having to depend on people is actually terrifying to me. I think I have always valued independence but I've recently realized that there is a thing called too much independence, which can lead to isolation. Needing relationship and being scared of it are both two things that are really hard for me to admit, and things that I am still trying process.

Another big thing God has shown me this semester is that my failures and my brokenness are a result of the broken world that we live in. Which is big because I feel like I am constantly battling lies that I tell myself everyday & it sucks. I don't know, I just find comfort in the fact that these aches and pains are just side effects of life on Earth and the fact that God grieves with us.

God is also teaching me to not shove my feelings under the rug. Sometime in my life I decided that I didn't want to deal with emotion because not only was it was just too exhausting, but I also hate crying in front of people. I've been learning that dealing with emotions up front is better than ignoring the fact that I have feelings. In fact I have several semi-embarrassing, semi-ridiculous stories where the tears have just come out at random times due to me ignoring my feelings. Also, I swear God has turned my emotional switch on this semester, because I feel like I just want to cry all the time. Which I have never before wanted to cry just to cry.

God is just moving so much in my life right now that I don't even know how to sum it all up. All I know is currently I am so lost, I feel like I am just blindly walking through life. I feel like I have been waiting for change this whole semester and while I occasionally see change, I still don't feel change. I don't know, I've just been so confused and frustrated recently. But the good news is I feel like I've been leaning into God more than I ever have before, and somehow am finding hope and joy, which is insane. All I can say folks Is that God is so good.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. -James 1:2-3

And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:7

On a side note I am so ready for Thanksgiving Break. I seriously am so done, I need a break. I can't wait to go home and see my family and my dog and sleep in my own bed. This week can't be over fast enough, and I'm even planning on leaving on Thursday (*PTL*).

Sorry if this post is all over the place! I've just had a lot on my mind and I just got out maybe 15% of it.... Hah.


Thanks for reading!!
xox,
Amanda

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